Becoming the man I wanted to marry.

My heart was in my throat when I received a letter from the ministry of justice earlier today.
I only went back to NZ for five seconds, and I’m in trouble? Seriously?
I opened it with trepidation.
It turned out to be confirmation of my dissolution of marriage.
Phew. What a relief.
Well, for about a second.

Then I started thinking, what next?
I only ever wanted to get married once.
But life hasn’t turned out that way for me.
And while my soon-to-be-ex-husband is a lovely person,
He wasn’t to be my forever person,
If that idea even is possible,
Or if there is someone actually out there who is,
I’m not so sure.

I used to think there was something wrong with me.
I haven’t ever wanted children of my own.
Relationships seem to end.
Having the whole nuclear family —
The idea just never occurred as an adventure,
Or something fun to do.
It almost bored me; I’m not proud to say.
And then I had something terrible happen to me.
Which took years of recovery —
Physically, emotionally, spiritually.
When my brain injury healed,
While my body was still healing,
It gave me a lot of time to think.
About what’s important.

Living alongside someone.
Our tribes.
Who we choose to surround ourselves with.
It really matters. Like, almost above all else.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

If I’ve learned one thing,
It’s that we never know what the future holds.
And that can be a scary thing.
But I know there is nothing I can’t face—
Nothing I can’t handle—
When I have the right people by my side.
For those people in my life,
Thank you,
I love you,
And I’m grateful.
And for my future tribes?
I’m on the hunt for you now.

Back to the marriage thing.
One thing became so clear to me today.
Crystal clear.
An epiphany, if you will.
Instead of looking for my next husband or wife,
The time, energy and resources are better invested elsewhere.
To become the man I want to marry.

When I think about the future,
And imagine that I am the person I’ve always dreamed of marrying by the end of 2021,
I can’t even tell you how thrilled I’ll be. Like beyond.
So that’s what I’m focusing on.

To those who have been unlucky in love,
Feeling unlucky in love,
Feeling dissolutioned about relationships,
Wanting to get married.
To those who are still single,
Or in a relationship that is going nowhere.
To those blissfully happy but who find faults with their partners —
Married or not —
I invite you to join me.
To stop focusing on out there,
And focus inside.
Not in a selfish way.
In a way that is of service to the world.
And become the person you always dreamed of marrying.