‘Do you like being a liar, Kristy?’ he said. ‘How Dare you!’ I retorted. ‘I AM NOT A LIAR’.

‘You realise what a liar is, don’t you?’ he said matter of factly, ‘it is someone who doesn’t tell the truth’.

At this point, I was pacing about the bedroom room, my evil ego screaming at me to take the bastard down. How dare he, I thought!. What could I throw at him? Books? I might hit the cat, I thought. My beautiful snow-white covered fur baby Princess was stretched out fast asleep on the end of the bed. You don’t throw things! good me, hissed at evil me. That’s right, I thought. Of course, I don’t throw things. Only on very special occasions, evil me sniggered realising she was winning this battle. I paced barefoot on the speckled brown plush carpet trying to avoid hitting my legs on the side of the oversised grey velvety super king bed frame which was deceptively hard when you bumped into it. I frequently had bruises around my knees and inner thighs from this stupid thing. There is much more fun way to get bruises on your knees evil me thought, trying to distract me entirely from focusing on the subject at hand. While this internal debate raged on, I had completely lost perspective to what was going on for him. Having my good me vs evil me epic ego battle playing out inside my head, how could I possibly notice what was happening for him?

I wasn’t picking up on the subtitles of his body language, the pained expression on his face. I failed to notice that he too was waging war internally with himself while simultaneously problem-solving how to diffuse the situation AND snap me out of this old, damaging program or pattern which was running. He was going to be unstoppable in his commitment to making me realise what a lie was, something which quite frankly was unbelievable for him. How can she be intelligent in some areas and really dumb in others his evil ego scorned. This is not helpful logical him (his good guy ego) eye-rolled back. Fortunately for me, Yoda-meets-Shelder-Cooper (from the Big Bang Theory) was the ultimate ruler in his mental kingdom — he was wise, ultra logical, seemingly emotionless and even-keeled, with his hot-headed firey evil ego, only making guest appearances when he lacked sleep or after a big celebratory evening.

It was painfully obvious to him that my ‘blueprint’ of making him — and everyone else for that matter — ‘read between the lines’ firstly wasn’t my own, I had clearly gullibly and unwittingly inherited this from someone else. Secondly, this blueprint was way out of date. This wasn’t the real me — my higher authentic self — she would never treat people this way.
At its most basic level, this was an old limiting negative pattern or program which got triggered from time to time, and he had done a great job interrupting that shitty pattern on this particular day by playing the ‘Are you a liar’ card. I was so conditioned to saying ‘Yes, I’m OK’ which meant ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ and he was determined to get it through to me that this doesn’t line up with my beliefs and values, with my highest self, with my intentions and how I show up in other areas of my life.

‘No, I’m not OK, but I don’t want to talk about it’ would soon replace, ‘I’m fine’, or ‘I’m OK’, or ‘I’m well thank’s’ or any other thoughtless, dishonest nicety that had been automatic and on autopilot before.

Do you know what blessing this confrontation gave me? What unexpected emotions I experienced after I became rational again? The gift of freedom and greater self-respect as being the kind of person who lives my values and beliefs results in personal growth, pride and shine.
You see, I didn’t even consider that I was lying. This was such an old pattern or program which was completely hidden from my view. I thought I WAS telling the truth. I could have passed a lie detector test I’m sure. This was a fully automated pattern & behaviour my conscious mind wasn’t even getting a look in!

The moment of awareness from this conversation created the possibility of being different, and it was easy!

There is just one thing all the me’s had concerns about —
How was this going to work when I played a specific role and was projecting an identity in a particular context? I can’t just go blabbing about how I really feel all the time, can I? How would this impact other people?
I’m also committed to not putting out negative energy in the world — I don’t go around dumping on people or being an energy vampire. Yuck!
There felt like some mega cognitive dissonance here, so this was filed in the too-hard basket to deal with later.

When life was great and easy for the longest time, this wasn’t really an issue, so I never found the solution; this question sat in the background gathering dust and becoming less & less urgent vs other life which was coming up all the time on a never-ending basis.
That was until poop hit the fan in a big way and I was dealing with some pretty intense personal internal challenges — at the level of mind, body and soul — that I ran into my first real challenge with this.

Authenticity is massive for me. So here lies a question I’ve been pondering for a long while:
How can we be honest, authentic and live our principles on the days where we are not OK, like really not OK, but really don’t want to talk about it and don’t want people to think less of us?
When we are experiencing real loss, shame, guilt, suffering, depression, etc. — the real hard stuff — and don’t want to be judged or have people see us differently, so what do we say? Or do? We also don’t want to impact potential opportunities in the future, face being socially ostracised or create negativity or impact other people, so what is our course of action? Our faces and bodies are going to giveaway THE story as it is, no matter what words come out of our mouths, so how can we be congruent — have our body & face match our words — and maintain a level of dignity and respect?

My go-to solution while dealing with some heavy stuff in the past, was avoidance, even with super close friends. Clearly not the dream people. I do not recommend this.
‘If they can’t see you, they can’t ask you questions’ evil me said to good me. ‘Great plan!’ good me said back. ‘Let’s hide!’.
‘Great plan, are you serious guys?’ would ring the voice of my authentic self when she managed to get back online after these two egotistical maniacs hijacked her existence.

The next time this comes up, I want to be ready, to be prepared — I’m committed to this for you too! Imagine the possibility of society as a whole being honest with one another, being kind, owning our stuff, not putting negativity out there.

Without impacting our future livelihood — our financial survival, emotional survival, etc. — how can we show up and be honest about not being ok when we are not ok? What are some possible solutions and ideas?

Together, let’s make transparency, respect, honesty, authenticity and courage a priority in 2020. This requires thought and action.

Please comment below or DM me on social media.
I look forward to collaboration with you on this!

I help people unlearn stuff that isn’t workable and design behaviour which guides them towards fulfilment, freedom & flow.