The secret diary of an emotional eater. Confession 1: My Arse — The Dress Destroyer.

I was on my way out to dinner with an old friend. Sure, I was a little more curvey these days, but I had decided pin-up style would be my new go-to. I would take this in my stride and make it my new look.
The week prior, I had visited StopStaring.com, express-shipped a full range of big busted & booty, waist-cinching 50’s style dresses and felt great. I had decided to love myself at any size. Yip, that’s what I would do, no problem.

The sunset taxi ride over the harbour bridge was non-stop chatter, off-tune singing, eruptions of laughter — we barely noticed how quickly the ride from the North Shore to Auckland Central went. Poof, we were in the city. I stepped out of the cab, polka-dot game strong, and begun my feminine strut down the pier. I felt like a Vegas Showgirl about to walk onto the stage!

Then I noticed a feeling I hadn’t felt before… well not lately, and definitely not one that I had told anyone about. A cold snap of air on my backside. But I have a long dress on, I thought. And it’s new. It can’t be.
“Brad, did I just rip the arse out of my dress?” I shrieked in a high pitched voice solely using intonation. “Darling, yes, oh, god!”.

My self-esteem plummeted. For the sake of this story, I want to lie. I want to say this was the first time. But it isn’t.
My arse is a serial killer and destroyer of dresses. Pants too — black, cream, polka-dot or white — it doesn’t discriminate.
Ask my friend Michaiah how many times she has had to sow the arse of my dresses up and she will ask you how long you have to listen. Ask my friend Jacqui about her wedding day, and how the zip broke on my bridesmaid dress in the middle of Queenstown, and we had to run into the nearest shop and how I had to be sewn back into my dress to make it in time for the wedding. Ask her how stressful that was for her, I just wanted to die, yet I made it into an adventure and cried on the inside (like a winner)! True Story Bro.
I have countless tales of not knowing how this could happen… again and again.

The truth is sometimes I eat food for things other than nourishment.
Sometimes I rip the arse out of my clothing. Dating me is like dating an okay-dressed tragedy waiting to happen, but we can call them adventures, kk? I do know how to laugh at myself though, I mean what else can I do? I don’t have a little black book — I have a little black book of disasters to write about when enough time has passed. I’ve been working on a little series, ‘The Confessions of….’, this being confession one.

Hi, I’m Kristy, and in the past, I’ve been an emotional eater. I’ve been a yoyo. And why? Let me tell you; it isn’t because I don’t know about calories in vs calories out. It isn’t because I need to try some new fad diet — I’ve tried them all. It isn’t because I don’t know enough.

“If more information was the answer, then we’d all be billionaires with perfect abs.” — Derek Sivers

In all honesty, when I’ve gained weight, my problem wasn’t suddenly not knowing what to do — I didn’t wake up one day and forget how to exercise and eat healthily. Oh, eat a carrot and put down the cake? Thanks, I totally forgot cake bad carrot good. Great advice; appreciate it. Said no one ever. I don’t need a nutrition lesson. That’s the least of my problems.

My problem was I felt out of control.
My problem was I hurt all the time — emotionally, physically, mentally.
My problem was the things I usually did to make myself feel better weren’t working.
My problem was when I got attention (especially from males), I didn’t feel safe.
My problem was I just wanted to disappear and not be noticed, to fade into the background. That was a lot easier to do with baggy sweat pants, a T-shirt, greasy hair and a waistline to boot.

Knowledge and lack of information was never an issue.
I didn’t need more motivation.
I am not lazy.

So, what caused me to gain weight and not keep it off long term — and yoyo around? My emotions. Managing my emotions.
But isn’t emotional eating a successful way to manage your emotions, I hear you ask? Sure, if you want your health to suffer and decline over time, and if you’re ok with the flipside of guilt, shame and often loneliness.
This is in my expert opinion — I am an expert who has been doing this for decades after all.

Food is easy to get and gives instant gratification.
And my ol’ friend food, it never judges me.
It never gives me an ‘I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed’ disapproving stare.
I’m certain it is always going to work to change how I feel…for a while, anyway.
Then I would be back to feeling guilt, shame & suffering. And feeling alone. Because I’ve never talked about this other than to my therapist & my LBB… until now.

Why Now? Why would I put humiliating stories about myself online? Especially at a time when I’ve moved countries for a fresh start. And I’m doing well, really well.
The only reason I’m on the planet — to help people, with actions — things they can do. Not to inspire, I want you to perspire — and in the most fun way I know possible. I don’t think ‘Hey look at me in my expensive shoes doing so good’ tales and stories are going to help. I think all the dramas and ups and downs that got me here are going to be the little gold nuggets you’ll need to help you on your journey. To realise, you’re only human and that you’re so much less embarrassing than me. To realise that you and me, we are no so different, and if I can figure this stuff out, you can too. And most of all, I hope you laugh — at my expense. Then Take Action!

Listen, we are all doing the best we can with what resources and skills we have. When we know better, we will do better. And sometimes we are so stretched thin we don’t feel we have the capacity to take anything else on. I’ve felt the distinct feeling of being like a rubber band being pulled in every which direction feeling like I’m about to snap when suddenly I ping off in a random unknown direction and frankly, never end up where I intended to be. Intentions are good. Not always useful, though. Inspiration is good.
Intention and Inspiration will get you started.
Design, Action and Perspiration, that’ll get you where you want to go quicker, faster, easier and fun-ner.

So, if it isn’t really about the food, what the fork am I supposed to do?
In this cheeky 6 part ‘Confession Of…’ series, I’ll be focusing on answering that, and other probing questions, using my LBBOD — my little black book of disasters, to tell you stories, fables, and face dilemmas head-on.

Have Principles & Standards.
Do the right thing when no one is watching; it’s called integrity.
Don’t Settle for anything less than you can be, do, give or share.
Change your emotions.
Don’t rely on willpower.
Don’t rely on motivation.
Focus on having mad skills.
Focus on removing impediments & distractions.
Design behaviour so you are set up for success.
Set your environment up to win, win, win.
Rehearse!
Don’t read a book then show up at game time thinking you’ll win without ever having played a game — how many basketballers do you know who read a book and showed up on the court, disappointed when they didn’t win immediately? Um, zero. Be smart! Think!
Think! Think.
Create magic moments & magnificent adventures on the daily!
Don’t leave anything to chance.
Have empathy, think of others, help others.
Start freaking Tiny,
And Change Your Life!

More on emotional eating, what to do next and all of the above in my next confessions… I’m excited to be researching & writing this ‘Confession of’ lighthearted series during February & March 2020.

If you would like to probe me — question wise — comment below or DM me on Instagram and you could feature it in my next confessional.

Likewise, if you would like me to interview IRL or digitally, hit me up. I’ll be on the road across Australia throughout February & March, think of me like you’re priestess, who would be honoured to take your confession in real life.